Ilia Isn't the Stalker
by Lady Of The Semicolons
Summary: Twilight Princess. In the world of fanfiction, Ilia is often stereotyped as an obsessive stalker. But what if the real stalker was someone else?
1. Chapter 1

Don't own Legend of Zelda.

I'm actually not a big fan of Link/Ilia. Still, I've noticed that Ilia gets a lot of hate. I see things like "Copy and paste this into your profile if you think Ilia should just kill herself," with a handful of variations. Isn't that a bit much?  
Following chapters may not necessarily be in chronological order.

_(Ordon, Pre-game)_

She very slowly opened the door and took a peep outside. Nothing to the left. Nothing to the right. Not a soul was to be seen. She released her held breath and managed to smile. Gaining courage, she pulled the door wide-open and stepped outside.

She made her way down the path that made its way through the village, but hesitated when she got to the edge of town. Mentally she chided herself; it was the middle of the day still; she had nothing to worry about.

"ILIA!"

Scratch that.

With a silent moan, she turned around. Link was running right for her at top speed. At last he caught up with her, gasping for breath.

With as much fake enthusiasm as she could muster, Ilia said, "Hi… Link."

He literally bounced in the air. "Hi Ilia!"

"I thought you were goat herding today, Link," said Ilia pointedly.

"Oh, I was. But Fado let me off early."

"Oh… really? That's… that's nice." _Fado is so getting murdered._

"Tell me about it. Say, what are you up to, Ilia?"

Oh, how mockingly the eyes of defeat stare into your soul. "I was just thinking about taking a walk to the spring."

"I'll come with you!" he volunteered.

Like wasps or snakes, it's always better to have the bane of your existence where you can see them. The last time Ilia had declined, she had been haunted throughout her walk with sounds of snapping twigs and moving grass—only to discover that Link had been following her. So as much as she would have liked to, she didn't object.

As they walked, Link's eye went hopefully to Ilia's hand. Anticipating it, she nonchalantly crossed her arms. Link sighed sadly, but Ilia ignored him.

Yes, he was the only guy close to her age; yes, he was very good-looking. But he was absolutely obsessed with her, and it was very, very annoying.

They reached the woods. Somewhat to her surprise, Link ran ahead. Ilia contemplated doubling back, but just as she made up her mind to do it, he returned. Beaming like an idiot, he held up a bundle of flowers. "For you," he said with a grin.

With reluctance she took them. "Um… thanks, Link. You really shouldn't have."

"Anything for you, Ilia," he replied earnestly.

"Oh, you know what?" Ilia slapped her forehead in a hopefully convincing fashion. "I think I've left a kettle on the fire back home. I need to go check it."

"It'll probably be alright—"

"No, no," she insisted. "I really have to go check it."

"Can I walk you home?"

"Don't trouble yourself, Link, I think I'll survive."

"But—"

"See you later, Link!" She turned and high-tailed it, not stopping until she was once again in her own house. There was, of course, no kettle; it was simply an inspired device to get rid of Link.

Her father, Mayor Bo, turned in surprise at her entrance. "Where've you been?" he exclaimed.

Wearily she answered, "Taking a walk."

Her father stroked his moustache. "Where'd the flowers come from?"

"Huh?" Her gaze fell on her hand. "Ugh." They went in the fireplace.

"Hey now, I reckon that ain't very polite. I'm betting a fellow worked hard pickin' those. Let me guess: Link."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes."

"He's a hard worker, a decent fellow, not to mention a good-looker," said Bo with a wink. "And he likes you. I don't understand what there's not to like."

"Father!" Ilia protested.

"I'm just saying…"

"Father, that boy is a _stalker._"

"Nonsense, Ilia. You've just got an overactive imagination."

* * *

"Good night, Ilia!"

"Good night, Father!" Ilia called from her bedroom, rolling her eyes in exasperation. She ran a couple fingers through her hair and sighed. Perhaps she was being a little hard on him; he was, after all, concerned about her welfare. With her mother gone, she was all he had.

Her ruminations were interrupted by something outside, some sort of swishing noise. Ilia went to the window to investigate, but she saw nothing. It was probably a squirrel hopping about in the tree next to the house. Or maybe one of the village Cuccos had been trying to fly again and had crash-landed. But just before she made to turn away, the sound came again. It sounded much too big to be a squirrel or a Cucco. A monkey, maybe? No, it seemed too large to be even that… What kind of creature could it possibly be?

Ilia stared in horrid fascination. A part of her told her she should run for her father, but her feet were anchored before the window. The sound came again. She could have sworn she just saw the branches shudder. The noise came again and the being came into view.

It appeared to have strange spikes jutting out at odd angles of its body, particularly from what she assumed to be its head. It was much, much bigger than a monkey—it was as big as a man…

A man…

She focused on the face, which was looking more and more human every moment. The "spikes" were in fact branches stuck in the individual's clothing and hair… blondish-brown hair.

"Hi Ilia!"

Her left eye twitched for a full nine seconds. Then, "LINK! WHAT IN THE GODDESSES' NAME DO THINK YOU'RE DOING UP THERE?!"

"I was just…"

"HELL NO! YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THAT DAMNED TREE BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND KICK IT ALL THE WAY TO HYRULE CASTLE!"

"B-But Ilia—"

"WHAT, WERE YOU GOING TO WATCH ME UNDRESS? YOU MISERABLE LITTLE PERVERT! I OUGHT TO FLOG YOU TO KINGDOM-COME, GOAT-BOY!"

"I… um…"

Ilia seized a paperweight from her desk and lobbed it with all of her might, hitting Link in the gut. From sheer surprise at the impact, he let go, the tree branches breaking his fall before he met the ground.

"Ow."

"GET AWAY!" Ilia screeched. Link struggled to his feet. He didn't bolt until Ilia tossed another paperweight, an inkwell, and a book at him. "YOU'D BETTER RUN!" she called after him, "MY FATHER TAUGHT ME HOW TO SUMO, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!"

"Ilia?" Ilia spun around to see her father opening the door with a bemused expression on his face. "What in tarnation is going on, hon?"

"I'll tell you what's going on. _Link _is going on."

"Link?"

"Father, he was _climbing _that tree outside my window and _spying _on me!"

"Sweetheart, be reasonable. Why would Link be spyin' on you?"

"Because he's a _stalker!"_

Mayor Bo stepped into the room and peered out into the night. "Well, I don't see nothin.' Maybe it was just your imagination."

"Father, I most certainly did not imagine it, I swear."

Bo leaned further out the window. "Hang on, I think I see a book down there…"

"I threw a few of my things at him."

The tree braches rustled again, and they froze until a rather large squirrel showed its furry face. It stared at father and daughter for a moment or so, then ducked back into the foliage. Bo laughed and patted Ilia's shoulder. "There, you see? The mind loves playing tricks. It wasn't Link at all; it was just a squirrel."

"Father, I'm telling you…"

"Goodnight, Ilia," he said cheerfully, not listening to her. "Best be getting to bed soon." He chuckled again as he exited. Ilia slammed her head against the desk that was now missing two paperweights, an inkwell, and a book.

She knew her shouting match wouldn't stop Link. Nothing stopped Link. He probably wouldn't try this stunt again for a long time, but he'd never give up. And her father was still woefully ignorant.

Sometimes, you just had to wonder if the goddesses did it for their own amusement. Ilia slammed her head again and moaned.

"I hate my life."


	2. Chapter 2

_(Hyrule Castle)_

Not even having a chance to think, the wolf had no choice but obey his new companion and leap out the window. Once they were a safe distance away, the strange imp Zelda had called Midna got off his back to talk.

"So…" she said, "I guess I ought to return you to where you first tumbled into the twilight. But aren't you forgetting something?" Once again displaying remarkable magic powers, Midna transformed herself into first Colin, then Ilia.

"ILIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Link then began doing a wolf's equivalent of sobbing.

"Um… what?" asked Midna, utterly confused.

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT! MY IDIOCY GOT ILIA KIDNAPPED! WAH!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT?" bellowed Midna. She slapped Link on the snout.

"Hey… do that again."

Midna was completely nonplussed, but shrugged and did as he asked.

Link sighed. "It's not the same."

"I don't know, and come to think about it, I don't really want to know."

"It's that girl you're impersonating at the moment. Ilia. She only the smartest, sweetest, most beautiful girl on the face of the earth."

"Okay, wolf-boy, let me get this straight. I don't care. But if you want to save her—"

"Hey, I've got a question."

Midna narrowed her eyes in annoyance at being interrupted. "Yes?"

"You look like Ilia," Link began.

"Ye-e-e-s," said Midna slowly. "Your point?"

"Do you smell like Ilia, too?"

"Smell—what the hell?"

"I've just always wondered what Ilia smelled like up close."

Midna could do nothing but stare for about thirty seconds. "Why would anyone wonder a thing like that?"

"Because Ilia is the smartest, sweetest, most beautiful girl on the face of the earth. I know what her favorite food is, what her favorite color is, what her favorite animal is—I'd just like to know what she smells like, too."

More silence. "Are you a stalker or something?" Midna asked.

Link laughed. "That's really funny… I once overheard Ilia telling her dad the same thing. Coincidence, huh?"

"…Coincidence," echoed Midna with sarcasm. "Yeah…"

"So… DO you smell like Ilia?"

Midna took her regular form again and called upon her powers to warp the wolf back to Ordon.


	3. Chapter 3

_(Faron Woods/Ordon)_

"Umm, Link…" said Midna. "Where are you going?"

Link didn't slacken his pace and kept walking.

"Link. This isn't the way to Eldin Province. This is the way back to Ordon."

"I know," replied Link.

He was just too thick to take a hint, wasn't he? "Link," began Midna, who was straining to remain patient. "We need to go to Eldin Province… remember?"

"I know," replied Link, neither stopping nor changing direction.

Midna's whole face began twitching. "Then why are we going back to _Ordon?_"

"Well," reasoned Link, "We might need money. I know I left some in my house."

Midna paused. "Oh. That makes sense, I guess. Why didn't you just so in the first place, then?" Link began humming to himself. Midna slapped herself in the head. "…Never mind." She went back to hiding in Link's shadow.

* * *

"_That's_ your house…" said Midna, completely nonplussed.

"Yep!" Link answered.

"…You live in a damn tree."

"Yep!"

"…Right. Can we get this over with already?"

Link went inside, and Midna floated behind him. "Hmm…" said Link, frowning and tapping his finger on his chin. "I don't remember where I put it."

Midna was not amused. But before she could yell at him, Link slapped himself in the head and exclaimed, "_Now _I remember!"

Link started toward a ladder, and once again Midna followed him. The two of them descended into darkness; it was obviously a cellar of some sort. There was an "Oof!" followed by a thumping noise. "Tripped on the ladder," came Link's voice. Midna rolled her eyes, though it was too dark to be noticed.

Midna could hear Link moving; it sounded like he was picking himself up off the floor. "Okay," came Link's voice, "now… where is it?"

"…Link. You have a lantern."

"Oh yeah…"

Midna slapped herself in the head yet again as Link fumbled around for a moment. "Here we go," he said as the lantern suddenly threw his face into relief.

"That's better," said Midna, "though it's still really dark down here."

"Oh, wait a minute!" cried Link, laughing. "I've got some candles around here somewhere…" He scrambled around on his knees, and in a surprisingly short time produced twenty candles, lighting them one by one with the flame from the lantern. The room was gradually revealed with every additional candle. By the time they were all alight, the entire room was visible.

With the newfound light, Midna's gaze was drawn to one of the walls. On an impulse, she drew closer. Shelves were hanging on this particular wall, and sitting on these shelves was the strangest array of items.

A book. A paperweight. A shoe. Dried, withered brambles from a plant that Midna remembered seeing in the forest. Thirty-seven hair ribbons. A hairbrush, complete with blonde hairs clinging to the bristles. A—Midna had to blink several times to confirm that what she was looking at was actually there—a disgustingly moldy piece of _something; _perhaps at one point in time it used to be cheese.

Resting on the center shelf, surrounded by the motley bizarre artifacts, was a wrinkly piece of paper. Something had been drawn on the paper with ink—a person, a girl, who looked impossibly, insanely, ludicrously happy. And then it clicked; this was the girl Link had called Ilia. Considering it was a rather loose likeness, and considering the ridiculous smile, Midna was willing to bet that Link had done this bit of artwork all on his own.

"Um… Link…" Midna began.

"AHA!" came Link's voice from the other side of the room. Triumph in his eyes, he held aloft a purple rupee in his hand, which he had removed from a small chest. "FOUND IT!" He trotted over to Midna.

Midna pointed at the contents of the shelves. "…Do I even wanna ask?"

"They're mementos to remind me of Ilia!"

"Is that cheese?"

"Yes. There was a village picnic, and Ilia really liked that cheese. So she took another piece, but she was too full to finish it."

"And how long ago did this happen?"

"Two years ago."

Midna stared at Link for a long, long, time. "There is something wrong with your head."

Link didn't appear to register Midna's comment, instead, he made an expression that suggested that he was suddenly transported to a higher plane of existence. "Ilia is the smartest, sweetest, most beautiful girl on the face of the earth. Who wouldn't want a memento to remember her by?" His face suddenly turned to panic. "_ILIA!_ We have to save her!"

Link immediately extinguished the candles, ran headfirst into the ladder, said, "Ow," and then scrambled up it with speed that a monkey would be envious of.

"MIDNA!" came the hero's voice from above. "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? NOW ISN'T THE TIME TO DAWDLE!"

_Well, _Midna reflected, _at least I know how to motivate the idiot._

She sure as hell would never want to be in Ilia's shoes, though.


End file.
